By Joselyn Oparaji

SAFACS 2023 ENTRY 31

I watched the papers burn as tears rolled down my eyes. The tears didn’t come from a place of emotions; I was only reacting to the smoke from the fire that was burning up the pieces of my favorite scriptures. If a year before this day, I was told that I would give up on God, that I would give up on everything I once believed; I would have fought till my last blood drops in disagreement. Now, my heart was hardened.

I walked back into my apartment to find solace, because even though I did what I thought was right, I felt like a war was ongoing inside me, but I was adamant; if God has forgotten me, then who am I to hold onto him?

I laid flat on the floor with my face directed towards the ceiling. I wished they would open up and I would see my friend smile at me from heaven. Just two nights ago, I watched her get brutally murdered for a crime I committed.

I blamed myself but I blamed God more. Did they not say he’s rich in mercy? Why didn’t he forgive me and save Fola? I remember watching from a distance and screaming ‘JESUS’ so loudly hoping that the heavens will be opened and a host of angels will come to save Fola.

Why would God choose not to answer me the moment I needed Him the most? Fola introduced me to Jesus yet she was butchered like a meat. That day, I felt like Job and I did what Job didn’t have the audacity to do. If turning my back on God would have me dead and in the same place as Fola, then I wouldn’t mind. After I lost my parents, Fola became all I had.

Having burnt the bible, I stayed in my room waiting for the worst that could happen, I couldn’t imagine living knowing she was dead for my sake, so I closed my eyes, waiting for death.

I saw myself in a vision, I stood in front of a shattered glass and as I tried to pick them up piece by piece, I saw blood gushing out of my hands and I fell into deep pain – I was getting injured by the pieces. A man walked in, He immediately pulled my hands away from the glasses and cleaned them. I watched Him pick up the broken pieces, I saw the pain in His eyes as blood gushed out of His hands but He did not stop. He picked up the pieces and rearranged them; He fixed and beautified them.

Fola walked in, and all the bruises from her brutalized body were gone, she held my hand and said to me, “Let go of all that is in your heart and give room for God to fix you, He has taken your guilt, so don’t mourn my demise for If death was truly the end, then Jesus wouldn’t be alive.”